Behavior Expectations

Part 29 in a series by Karen A. Stevenson, President, Studio K Salon

What is up with 'behavior expectations'   

Do others expectations of you always result in disappointment?  Do they have an expectation to the point of control?  I am not talking about the expectation a parent has for their teenager to pass a class with the grade of a C or above.  I am talking about the unspoken pressure, or the refined manipulation of someone tapping their toes when they anticipate you will perform in a specific manner, and you fail to produce.

Of course it is acceptable for a boss to expect their employee would show up on time. Likewise it is acceptable to expect your neighbor would call the police if someone were breaking into your house, if they were to witness the crime.  There is a balance with what is truly a healthy expectation that is based on mutual agreement.

 What is not positive expectation is when you come home from a hard day of work without communicating to your spouse throughout the day, and you had an expectation she would come home from her meeting in the mood for steak because that is what you craved all day.

 Another example of a negative expectation is when there were previous plans made to go out with the girls one particular evening, and due to unusual circumstances, you ended up sick.  Upon explaining to your friends that you would not be joining them, they felt anger because you jilted their plans.  Of course, we all know, that things happen that are far beyond our control, and we simply cannot be so jaded that we end up angry. 

 There is such a thing as grace in this world. It would be very difficult to keep any sort of a relationship, whether it be friends or otherwise, without a sufficient dose of grace and acceptance that we cannot control all the circumstances that occur in life. 

 I have known people to be angered and resentful because their expectation of someone performing in a certain manner didn’t fall into place.  When expectations become so strenuous and so rigid that we feel these negative feelings, maybe it is time to check our ‘control’ meter.   We never know exactly what is going on with another person until we ask them.  We never know what their motives are, unless we ask.  We do have to recognize that in life, so many circumstances can change in the drop of a hat, that we should have the maturity to make do with whatever comes our way. 

 If somehow our entire evening is ruined because of expectations placed by someone, we have given that someone entirely too much power over us.  Paying attention to your own needs and wants brings ability to become flexible and enjoy life in spite of odds.

You may want to go to lunch with a friend that you haven’t seen in three months.  However, if that person cannot show because they got held up at their work, you still NEED to eat.  So go out and get a hamburger!  You may have an expectation that a relative was going to call you around three o’clock.  They may have fallen asleep.  They may have gotten into a car accident.  Maybe they got caught up at a movie and it didn’t get out in time to make the phone call.  You may wish to talk to your relative, but unless it is an emergency, changes are, you don’t need to talk to them, merely wanted to.    Therefore, you may end up talking to them later.  Get over it! 

 If you don’t show grace to those around you, the wrath of expectation may come upon you down the road.  Be aware, the angering frown of condemnation chases people away.  If you are gracious to others, they will in turn be gracious to you. 

 It is difficult to train yourself to not feel that need to control someone else’s responsibility level.  Remember, you don’t have a web cam on their life.  You don’t know what has just happened that has created the person to not follow through.  Unless you are in their shoes, you don’t know how they fit.

Remember, we are not talking about realistic expectations such as the babysitter taking care of your kids when you hire her to watch then.  We are talking about unrealistic expectations such as your best friend being all fired up to go to the bar and dance all night after they were on their feet all day marching in a parade. 

Keep a balance and know when it is healthy and unhealthy.  Put your grace-o- meter in your pocket and watch the dial before reacting when someone changed his or her mind due to circumstances that were reasonable.  We are all recipients of things happening out of our control.  Think before you react and define if it is an expectation that is realistic or unrealistic. Offer understanding and grace when someone disappoints you by canceling or not measuring up to your expectations.  Discuss your expectations with the person you are placing them on and be sure everyone understands in advance.  Hopefully in the future, your kind response will dumbfound the otherwise wrath receiving party.